We all have so many complaints about Eldercare. If mom, Dad, grandma, Grandpa, uncle Joe, and aunt Eloise are not in a facility, then we are complaining about family abuse and neglect or outright thievery. If they are in a facility then we are complaining about the bruising, the black eyes, the bed sores, the wet bedclothes and garments, the bad conditions, etc.
Oh, so many of these complaints are legitimate and should in fact be addressed. But, so many more are a product of misunderstanding, bad choices, and just plain misinformation.
Oh, I bet you are getting irate. Let me explain before you dismiss my post as a crazy old lady writing nonsense. Albeit, it did get your attention. Now, that we have that attention, let’s explain the difference between the two.
Family abuse is in fact a crime, and it goes on every day in this country. Sometimes even after an Elder is in a facility. A scary fact I know.
Often in a family, it does not start out as greed at all. ( sometimes it does but not always) Usually, it starts out with one person having to be the caregiver and the gofer, as well as the scapegoat. We all know that in most families ( notice I state most not all ) there seems to be one sibling or cousin. a grandchild or whoever will take care of the Elder seems to care, maybe lives closer and perhaps has more free time. Somehow it just makes sense for that person to be the one to tend to the Elder most of the time which can turn into all of time fairy easily. The rest of the family somehow senses relief that person is there and so available. Without really planning it or by design the family slides back into the comfort of their own everyday lives and neglects to visit the Elder or maybe see if the cousin or caregiver needs anything or maybe even a helping hand.
You see we as humans become creatures of habit and it just becomes so easy to let someone else do it all. After all, they don’t have a job, young children, or a business to run, nor soccer games or football games, dance lessons, etc. Their life is just not as important or busy as ours. So we slide into that comfort zone of knowing Grandma is being well taken care of and we can visit at leisure or not. Are we hateful? No, not really at least not on purpose. Are we taking advantage? You betcha! Not on purpose but sub conscientiously we certainly are! Because in the back of our minds we believe their life is not as important as ours and we are actually doing them a favor by making them feel important, and for free! I know this just does not sit well with many of you but examine your own conscience. Have you tried to help? Yea, you just don’t want to interfere right? That’s what I thought.
Now all of this goes on for some time, a year, two years. Perhaps cousin Betty is widowed or divorced or never been married and she can move in with our loved one. How wonderful! She gets free rent for being the chief cook and bottle washer, nurse, maid, and errand girl with no pay! Wow, the family hit pay dirt they have the Elder cared for by one of their own, and the family Cinderella also has a place to live. This family is helping 2 members. Aren’t they just so generous?
That is until Cinderella figures this whole thing out! The family not only does not care for the Elder but not for the caregiver either! All they really have is each other. Now, this is not always the case but usually, it is in one form or another.
About this time the caregiver starts to ask the Elder for some things she may need or want. The Elder is happy to give because after all, this person is always here for them! Pretty soon grandma gives cousin Betty blank checks or a debit card. Here is where it gets crazy.
Cousin Betty realizes she deserves some pay and starts making purchases upwards to equal a salary each week.
The family, now maintaining copies of all bank accounts and finances, starts noticing the caregiver is spending money. Oh No!! This can not be going on. How dare she spend grandma’s money! After all, she gets a roof over her head for being there. The family now has a showdown with the Elder and the Elder says she gave her blank checks, money, a debit card, or whatever. The family tells the Elder that cousin Betty is stealing from her. But, the Elder will not prosecute. she gives it to her granddaughter and it is her decision. The family determines the Elder is getting dementia and decides to get the power of attorney which they do immediately. Their next step is to put the Elder in a facility and sell off all her assets after they divide up all the small possessions such as cars, jewelry, the china, silver and some antiques.. After all they want to safeguard their inheritance.
Lo and behold. The facility costs a whole lot more than the Elder gets in income each month so now the Real Estate assets are being used for the Elder’s care.
Meanwhile poor cousin Betty does not think the family should treat the Elder this way and complains to the division of aging. Wonderful! Now the authorities step in and conserve the Elder and use all her assets for her care until they are gone then the Elder gets Medicaid and eventually dies from being in a poorly run facility, where she could have no family member visit her and this contributes to shortening her life as well.
Now the family wants to sue the facility, the guardian, the county, etc.
Their own greed helped to cause the early demise of their loved ones. These cases never reach trial. That lousy 100 to 150 dollars per week just made them crazy! was it all worth it? That Elder was happily living in her own home. Aging in place with her familiar possessions and enjoying the company of her own grandchild daily while getting excellent care. Now here is the real kicker. The granddaughter was only spending money on things she could enjoy with her grandma, like yarn to knit or a pie they both liked, or some lavender scent for the laundry. How sad greed does do this to families? This is only one case I personally know about. There are many, many others.